Valentine’s Day (V-Day) is rapidly approaching, and you’ve done no preparation. Despite ‘gentle’ reminders from your partner, every table in every restaurant in every town was been booked months ago, and now you’re faced with the terrifying possibility of a drive-thru for two... good God.
We understand; you’ve been busy recently, immersed in Osprey books and undertaking vital scholarly research. But how can Osprey books help you now?!
Quite a bit actually. Osprey is here to help. Consulting some of our most romantic books, Soldier ‘I’, SAS Heroes and SAS: Ultimate Combat Guide, we’ve written this how-to to help you get that last minute restaurant table – do it right, and your partner will be none-the-wiser…
Step One: Insertion
Look, we’re not going to patronize you (this is a deadly serious guide) so we assume you’ve recced the restaurant. But now there’s a mercenary army of snooty waiters and reservation wielding Maître d’s barring you from your romantic meal for two. You’re going to have to slip in un-seen… Try one of these methods
“The Trojan Horse”
A classic. Simply hide in a food container outside the back-door, and wait for one of the kitchen staff to carry you in to victory!
Pros – the element of surprise!
Cons – convincing your partner to climb into a filthy potato sack and wait for three hours in the hope that an (incredibly strong) waiter will pick you up
“The Tom Cruise”
A showstopper. Cut the lights and abseil to your table from the ceiling.
Pros – You’ll look very cool
Cons- It’s pretty much impossible to set up an abseiling rig in a restaurant without being seen
“The Fog of War”
Set off some smoke grenades. The ‘guards’ will disperse in seconds, leaving you to stroll in with your gas masks and take a table
Pros – Everyone will leave, which means you can pick the table of your choice
Cons – Everyone will leave, so you’ll have to cook and serve your own food. Also, your partner will probably be slightly annoyed that you only have one gas mask. Cough! Sorry dear….
“The Ferris Bueller”
Stun the Maître d’ with a flash-bang/wad of cash, and slip in
Step Two: The Meal
Success, you’re in! Now you have a cool 3 minutes before the authorities arrive. To make the most of your time together, we advise using some sort of industrial blender to liquidize your meal, cutting eating time down to a leisurely 45 seconds.
With that out of the way, you have plenty of time (135 seconds) to enjoy the rest of the evening. Why not liquidize a dessert and revive the lost art of conversation? With all the evening’s excitement, you’ll no doubt have much to talk about. But just in case, here are a few topics of conversation;
Osprey’s MAA releases for March
‘I love your rappelling technique’
‘I said I was sorry, but I don’t like to share gas masks’
The legal ramifications of your actions
Step Three: Extraction
By this point in the evening, we guarantee your partner will be head-over-heels in love with you/ apoplectic with rage. And so after a wonderful evening, it’s time to leave - and not a moment too soon; the waiter army is re-grouping….
So you see, with a minimum of fuss, you really can make this Valentine’s Day a night to remember!
Happy Valentine’s Day!